Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother

I recently read a fabulous book, The Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother by Amy Chua.  WOW!  What an amazing book!  I was humbled as well as completely flabergasted by the candidness of the author.  I found myself being taken through similar emotions as the author as she first defends her nation's parenting style and then openly admits her own faults and weaknesses as a mother.  I think it's just an amazing book, a must read! 

There were some real take home messages I gleaned from this book as well.  First, the level of respect that is taught in the Chinese culture is impeccable.  There is an order of heirarchy that doesn't exist in quite the same way in Western cultures.  Second, how do we balance work and play for our children?  Third, why do I parent the way that I parent?  And fourth, no parenting style is absolutely bullet-proof.

Respect & Obedience
"One of the first things Chinese people learn is that you must respect authority."  

"In Chinese culture, it just wouldn't occur in children to question, disobey or talk back to their parents.  In American culture, kids in books, TV shows, and movies consistently score points with snappy backtalk and independent streaks.  Typically, it's the parents who need to be taught a life lesson - - by their children." 

When I read these statements, I wondered why?  I consider msyelf a pretty strict parent when it comes to teaching respect for authority (my husband may disagree at times).  Some days I feel like I'm constantly having my children repeat something they said because their tone of voice was not quite respectful enough.  Still, I found myself with a child who seemed to be born with a flare for questioning authority and so I wondered how all Chinese people could be born without that personality trait.  How much really was nature vs. nurture there? 

Then, reading further, I was almost comforted to find that she was "given" a child with the same challenging temperment and I felt better.  :-) It was interesting for me to see how Chua eventually was able to see that the relationship was bigger than the fight. 

Play vs. Work
Which brings us to the next question:  How do we balance play and work in our home?  How much do I push and how much do I just let my kids be kids?  I think we can all see that there really isn't enough work happening for our youth in America, but where's the balance?

" [My mother-in-law] saw childhood as something fleeting to be enjoyed. I saw childhood as a training period, a time to build charater and invest for the future."



"What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it.  To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it's crucial to override their preferences.  This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist;  things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up." 

I loved this quote, actually.  And I believe it.  I think sometimes we parents give up too easily when our kids put up a fight.  I believe that children need to be shown what they really can accomplish through hard work.  Life is not always going to be fun!  For instance, today we had a little battle over math, my daughter and I.  She missed several problems and when I told her to fix them she got very upset.  I asked her to change her attitude or she'd need to do another page.  When she stormed off in a huff, I assigned the extra page.  She came back with all answers on that page 100% correct.  Now, I do not want math learning to be like this every day.  But this wasn't about the math, this was about the attitude.  With this, we definitely need to choose our battles and recognize what is driving the push . . . is it that I want my daughter to get 100% right on her math or is it that I want her to learn something greater? 

I really do want my children to look back with fondness at their childhood.  I want them to remember family camping trips, running around barefoot all summer, playing games and eating junk food!  But I also want them to build their characters and this is best done through those hard work lesson moments.

Why we do the Things we Do
Later on in the book Chua's husband, I think, asks her the question, "Are you doing this for your children or for yourself?"  She responds that this is "a Western question, but not unimportant."

Why do I want my children to be respectful?  Or take a bath every day?  Or learn how to clean a bathroom?  Am I teaching them these things for them or for myself?  I can honestly say that some of the things I teach my children are because of the society in which I surround myself.  I don't want my children to be a poor reflection on who I am.  This is not the best reason for training them, but I'm trying to be honest.  Mostly, I can say that I am teaching them for their benefit.  My goal as a mother is to send them off with testimonies of their Savior, able to take care of themselves and with eyes watching out for others in need.  And, I do believe learning how to clean a bathroom is a step in that direction!  :-) 

No Parent is Perfect
Through the first half of the book I was almost convinced that the author was completely right, "Americans are slackers!"  (my quote, not hers).   And yet, just as she discovered herself, motherhood is a journey for all of us.  Studies show that different parenting styles produce different results.  I agree.  But there is also the individual child to think about in all of these parenting scenarios.  I think it's important to go through the motherhood journey with each child individually, not as a group.  Yes, there are things we do as a family or because we are members of this family.  But individual personalities and choices need to be considered when appropriate.  The way I teach my daughter to play the piano is completely different than the way I taught my son.  It may take a little longer, but it's the process not the end result.  Motherhood is all about the process, not the end result.  I need to remind myself of that more often!! 

Mentoring Mothers

Last year a few of us were talking about how nice it would be to create a setting where we mothers could sit and chat about the principles and keys of TJEd.  We wanted to see how others were applying things and create an edifying support group of sorts to hash out our educaitonal goals and purposes.  So, I started holding what we call Mentoring Mothers in my home once a month.  So far, each time has been so edifying for me and those who participate.  Last year we just took a principle/key (i.e. You, not Them or Classics not Textbooks) and explored them more in depth.  This year we will be exploring the PHASES (core, love of learning, scholar, depth, mission) under the principle of YOU, not THEM.  We mothers need to become secure in who we are first, understanding and accepting who we are and the phases we go through in life.  I thought I would just share some of the things we discussed.

This month we talked about three keys in the CORE phase:
** Virtures - putting the important things first
** Balance of Work & Play
**Classics
We started with the question:
ARE YOU THE BEST EXAMPLE OF HOW YOU WANT THE WORLD TO BE?
(put this up on your mirror!!)

"All I could think of [after she asked me that question] was that I didn't have time to be good example because I was so busy doing so many urgent and important tasks that never stopped coming. I ran around getting a lot of good things done, but I knew I wasn't any model of peace, sustainability, or healthful living. If people lived like me, we'd have a world of exhausted bodies and despairing hearts. But I also knew it was time - - time to be able to say it with integrity in my heart. So, can YOU say it out loud? "I am a great example of how I want the world to be!!" It is possible to say this with integrity, it really is, and it's worth working toward. It's the quickest way I know to deep happiness and peace, but it sure doesn't just happen."  - - Cat Charissage, It's Time (see tjedonline.com)

With this in mind, we talked about goal-setting . . . not necessarily as tasks we wanted to accomplish, but character traits we want to build, more like a personal mission statement.  One friend gave a great idea on how to write a mission statement.  Instead of putting things that you wanted or wished to be, make the statements as though it is already YOU. "I am smart. I am energetic. I am...."


Virtures
We talked about putting virtures ahead of academics (for moms that means being too task oriented that we forget to make time for the character building) and how important it is that we make that time for ourselves to be alone, to evaluate our needs, and have interviews/discussions with our spouse and children.

Work vs. Play. Being women we can be so emotionally driven, right?!  We can get so caught up in the "to do" lists we forget to live in the moment.  Okay, maybe I just speak for myself on that one!  :-)  But seriously, sometimes I just wish I could be calm, cool and collected all of the time or be more playful with my children.  An article on tjedonline talks about Emotional Intelligence. 

"Emotional intelligence involves being aware of one's own feelings and being able to manage them effectively and being able to respond appropriately to other's feelings. This awareness of feelings in oneself and in others hould lead to quality relationships." - - Marilyn Robb

This quote spurred on a great discussion on how we can become "emotionally stable" (Secure, not Stressed!) and how part of going through the Core Phase personally requires letting go and/or accepting how you became who you are  (strengths & weaknesses!). 
Classics
We need to use them to "get back to our roots." Oliver DeMille suggests that we look at where our ancestory came from and read the classics from that location. Spanish: Cervantes, English: Shakespeare, Italian: Virgil, Greek: Homer, etc.... These are the books your ancestors were reading. These were the books that shaped their culture. Getting back to your roots brings that culture into your home for you and your family! I loved this. :-)

These meetings take place the 2nd Wed. of each month.  Next month we will be exploring relationships and gender roles.  I'll try to keep the notes coming after each one.  :-)

++++++++++++++++

Books mentioned/used:
Joyful Mother of Children - Linda Eyre
Spiritual Lightening - M. Catherine Thomas
The New People Makers - Satir
Books that Build Character
Say Go Be Do - Tiffany Earl