Finally Really Jumping Off

photo courtesy of http://photos.igougo.com/images/p65119-Acapulco-Cliff_Diver.jpg

Today I made a decision (after pouring out all my sorrows at midnight last night to a friend).  Today I decided that I'm no longer going to follow math textbooks.  There has been a battle going on inside of me (and partially with my dear spouse) on the principles of "Inspire, not Require."  As much as I full-heartedly believe in inspiring our children to learn, as much as I have been telling other people to just "let their kids be kids," and as much as I've wanted to practice what I preached, I have been a slave to one subject:  MATH.  It's the one subject I thought I was willing to deal with the tears over and require my children to do, only to see this mentality backfire. 

My focus this year, especialliy with JW in school, has been to strengthen the relationship between my daughters, as well as my own relationship with them.  As pressures of life all seemed to hit at once during their "more formative years,"  I think I have been pressuring my girls faster than their little minds could take in.  Stronger than ever, I'm beginning to believe Raymond Moore's motto that "Better Late than Early" is spot on!  So, after the first week of adrenalin and happiness (everyone is excited the first week!) I found myself fighting the whines and moans and complaints of "I don't want to!" or "I don't understand any of this!"  That's when it hit me that, the kids were right!  They hadn't fully grapsed the concepts from before so WHY was I pushing them to move forward so quickly?  Well, I can say that now I'm taking the final step and hoping it will be more fruitful!

So far, the first day has been spectacular.  We did our chores.  We read aloud (finishing Summer of the Monkeys through tears and choked voices).  I had some "get stuff done" time while the kids played who knows what.  We played a game (matching is a math concept, right?).  We read some more.  Then we did an afternoon project making swords and magic wands out of dowels, ribbons and string.  Now my girls are excitedly putting together a spell book for more imaginative play!  This may not sound too productive or successful to some.  My girls are 8 & 9 . . . they should be reading and doing their math homework.  But listen, amidst all that playing one daughter spent time writing thank you notes to friends while the other worked on cursive . . . without any "hint" from me.  My boys contentedly made shapes on the geoboards.  I got plenty done and still have an hour of time to fill as I please  (something that I'd been missing though it's been "scheduled" in).  And now they are reading their spell book!!

Where does math fit in here?  Don't worry.  My hubby wiill be sure to keep me accountable for that.  He has a "math every day" policy . . . and I agree.  So, what am I working on?  This week we're just going to kind of take a break while I plan my mathtime fun!  What I did is go through the Core Knowledge series by E.D. Hirsch.  I made columns: 1st, 2nd, 4th.  Then I made rows listing all of the mathematical topics that should be covered in a year. In each box, I then wrote down the more specific goals for each age/grade.  We are now going to study math in TOPICS rather than textbooks.  I'm not sure exactly how I will structure it, but I do know there will be lots more books, games and fun involved.  

I feel free.  :-)

Who Do We Want to Be

I wrote the following essay right after I had decided to make the final leap off the "conveyor belt" (though doing so really is an ongoing process).  Sometimes we get so caught up in the requirements, the grade levels, our kids falling behind, etc... This was MY answer for MY family.  I warn you:  it might be quite lengthy . . . but take from it what you will.  :-)

Who Are we to Be?

After a great discussion with my LDS book-reading friends I’ve been pondering some great questions; questions that have led me to learn what I really want (or need) in life, who I want my children to become, what it means to be excellent or smart or accomplished or beautiful. My goal is to simply use the knowledge and resources I have now to enhance my own education as well as that of my children. So, I need to ask myself some questions:

1) What does being excellent mean to me?
2) Who do I want my children to become?
3) What is my main purpose as a mother?

After the “what” questions, I need to ask “How”? How am I going to raise excellent children, lead them to where they need to go in order to become who they need to become, and how am I going to fulfill my main purpose of being their mother.

What does it mean to be excellent?
It’s a little ironic that just as I’ve been pondering these questions the very first Christmas card of the season arrived in my mailbox. Of course, it is from one who I would label their children as “excellent.” The letter contained long lists of each child’s achievements. Though these talents must be mentioned and celebrated, and I am glad to know what they are doing in their lives, it just brought again to my attention how much emphasis we put on the outward achievements our children accomplish. Does this make them excellent? I admit I have been found watching the activities of other kids and thinking, “My kids don’t do that, I must be doing something wrong.” I think I have done somewhat well in keeping my children guarded from doing too much outside activities at one time, but the pressure is there to create that “excellent” child.

One sister in the book discussion mentioned that we need to look at the characters of our children rather than simply their activities (or outward talents). This statement led me to ponder the many lists in the Gospel of characteristics we need to develop. Examples would be President Hinckley’s “Be” list, the characteristics of divine nature found in 2nd Peter, the characteristics of a little child found in Mosiah, the 10 Virtues also proclaimed by President Hinckley and the Beattitudes. All of these examples have their overlaps, of course, but there is a lengthy list. It is important that we take the time to evaluate our own progress in obtaining these characteristics, as parents and as a family whole.

Who do you Want Your Children to BE?
Years ago, when my oldest (now 10yo) was one, my husband and I sat down and created a family mission statement. First we made a list of our priorities and then I formatted it similar to the mission statement of the Young Women organization in the Church. Over the years I’ve gone back to see if there’s something that needs to change based on how our family has grown, but I can’t do it. This statement is who we want to become, individually and as a family. On our priority list we have strengthening our talents to help others, missionary work to spread the gospel, loving to learn and seek knowledge both spiritual and temporal, and developing those characteristics that most reflect our Savior’s. This is a general statement, fit for the whole family. I am now working on creating my own personal mission statement (thank you Mr. Covey) and I believe the Thomas Jefferson Education idea of a “Six month Inventory” of each of our children serves as a great foundation for the mission statements of our children.

Right now I can think of three words of who I want my children to be: Individual, Leader, and Follower.

I want my children to understand the principle of agency in the sense of how much power they have over who they can become. I want them to become confidant within themselves as individuals, not simply from outward praise and by pleasing others. I want them to recognize themselves as the great individuals they truly are inside. I hope that they can learn from both their strengths and their weaknesses, not in comparison with those around them. I want them to build a personal relationship with their Savior.

I want them to lead their lives in such a way that others will want to follow. I want them to serve, to give, to love. When I think of a leader I don’t necessarily mean president of any organization or group, I think of someone others would want to be with and to follow.

And of course, I want my children to be followers of the Savior. As we were reading in the New Testament this week for devotional we read of the account of the fishes in the nets. At the end of that great story, the disciples leave their nets and follow Him. I posed the question then to my children (and inwardly to myself), “What is the Lord asking you to leave to follow Him?” I want my children’s testimonies to be pure, sure, and their own.

What is My Purpose as a Mother?

In re-reading President Ezra Taft Benson’s excellent talk on motherhood, I was impressed by this quote by President Spencer W. Kimball, “When you have fully complemented your husband in home life and borne the children, growing up full of faith, integrity, responsibility, and goodness, then you have achieved your accomplishment supreme . . . and you will be the envy [of all] through time and eternity (italics added).” President Benson went on to list ten things we can do to fulfill our mission as mothers, to better raise our children “the Lord’s way.” Pray with them, be their friend, be at the crossroads, love them, read to them, and more. There are two goals I feel I now have as a mother.

First, I need to focus on my own growth and education so I can then give more to the education of my children. If mothers aren’t seeking, reading, and learning themselves it gives them little to draw from when their children ask those amazing questions. I have found that when I focus on my own personal growth I’m also less judgmental of others around me. I’m looking inward instead of outward on how to improve our home life and in the world. I’m much less critical of how my children choose to use their time, or far less concerned about their level of learning compared to their peers’. To do this, I need to first place the Lord in my life. I find that serious, daily scripture study is the key to minimizing my anxieties and puts the weaknesses of myself and others in proper perspective. Elder Bednar said in an article Feb. 2010, “There is a hierarchy to what we need to learn, some things are more important than others.” That quote struck me because I have lately been “stressing” over all the many books I have by my bedside, itching to be read. I’m yearning to learn everything and overwhelmed that I cannot learn it all. Understanding the hierarchy of learning helps me to prioritize “every needful thing.”

The second purpose for me as a mother is to be a mentor, guiding my children toward their life’s mission. It’s not hard to look at my children and know that each one has their own very distinct and individual gifts, talents and weaknesses! One discussion topic brought up this week was how we need to allow our children their individuality. My purpose needs to teach them correct principles so they can govern themselvesThe way for me to ensure that I am focusing my thoughts this way are by, again, building my relationship with the Lord and turning my children likewise.

One of my favorite books is entitled, “Raising Up a Family to the Lord,” by Elder Gene R. Cook. I love the idea of “raising up.” In a recent presentation on marriage, the couple released a helium balloon to the ceiling indicating that sometimes we just need to let go of the petty and the past in our marriage. As the balloon rose I was impressed that we also need to raise our voices to the Lord and leave matters in His hands. Our God wants to direct us, He wants us to succeed, He wants us to turn to Him. If we can learn this most important principle as mothers, we can more fully lead our children to the Savior. We can lead them home, and there is no greater achievement of excellence than that!

Q&A's from TJEdMUSE

The following is a post from the TJEdMUSE yahoog group.  I wanted to keep it for my own memory:

You wrote:

Do I just stop what we are doing?

Yes, if what you are doing is not working. And I have to assume that you have tried the conveyor belt approach and that it is not completely attractive to you. Now my guess is that some of what you are doing is working. Be sure to keep that part. It might be family relationships, reading together, daily devotional, weekend trips, craft activities, games or walks. I don’t know what is working in your home but I’m betting something is. Be sure to keep that and build on it.

When will their own initiative kick in?

May 3rd 2011. Sorry I couldn’t resist. Where is that crystal ball when we want it? We would love to be able to not have to trust the process and just be offered some guarantees, wouldn’t we? Of course, there are none. We really do have to have some faith and trust. If we don’t, we can’t let go of our old way of thinking and behaving.


Do I require the 3Rs?

How inspired are you to do the things required of you? Don’t require the 3Rs. But do inspire them. Are you reading great things to them? Things that you enjoy and they enjoy? When was the last time you wrote a paper and asked one of your children to give you some feedback on it? When children are inspired they will tackle the 3Rs. In the meantime, we can play math games, bake together and make sure that the recipe has to be made 2 ½ times or 5 ¼ to get the right amount, read math classics, write letters to each other and hide them around the house, (I had a friend who had a daily writing relationship with her son all based on the premise that he was leaving notes for the tooth fairy), read great books together, write a family mission statement together. Ask a friend or relative to write to your child and encourage your child to write back.


My freshman does his own work.

Then obviously something is going right in your home. To what do you attribute this? Is this really just this child’s nature or have you done something to inspire this?

They love playing, watching TV, or anything else but "school."

It is great that they love playing. We should all play more. BUT the type of play is crucial. Math can be play, exercise can be play, yard work can, so can any kind of academics. However, as is discussed in LE we have to allow the “right kind of vacuum”. If a child’s time is filled with television and computer games there is no “right kind of vacuum”. Rather than attempting to require what your children do you may have to place limits and make it clear what they may not do. If there is something to constantly entertain then thinking, reading, writing, and coming up with creative things to do becomes unnecessary and far less attractive.

Your subject line mentioned guilt. I’m not seeing in your post where the guilt comes in. How would getting off the conveyor bring up guilt for you? Is it really guilt or fear? I would encourage you to look at this deeply. Often when we are making motions towards getting off the conveyor belt we are afraid our children will miss something or that we are cheating them in some way. It is useful to get this fear out of the dark closet and into the light of day. We might be afraid they will never experience the joy we had on the night of our senior prom. Maybe they won’t learn trigonometry before they are 18. Maybe they will never have a high school sweetheart. Maybe they will never learn how to read, or write a paper without grammatical errors. If fear is the issue I encourage you to get as specific as you can about what it is. Sometimes what is holding us back is not even our own fear. It is someone else’s; your husband’s, mother-in-law’s, neighbors, etc. Can you get clear on the source of your guilty or fearful feelings?

Jumping off the conveyor belt into Leadership Education is a wonderful path. Exciting, freeing and sometimes downright scary. But most of us have found it worth the work. I encourage you to be brave and give it a shot. What do you have to lose? You can rest assured that if you decide the conveyor is ideal for your children it will always be there waiting for you.

Shawn Crane

Stepping Off

Things have been stressful the last month or so.  Some of it could be do to overscheduling, that is true, but there is something else that I have not been able to put my finger on.  Today I finally pinned it down.  Stepping off the "conveyor belt" is quite unnerving.  There are so many "what if's" in the process!! "What if my kids don't follow the leadership pattern?" "What if I'm not a good enough mentor?"  "What if I don't do things exactly right?" "What if my kids don't learn anything or fall behind?"  "What if my mom (husband, neighbor, friend, cousin . . . ) doesn't like it?"  These are the questions I've been asking myself, and I'm sure many others have had similar thoughts before me. 

This weekend in my reading I decided to keep track of Conveyor Belt Thinking vs. Leadership Education Thinking.  Here is what I came up with (from Leadership Education by the DeMilles):

Conveyor Belt

Lessons learned: to copy, to count, to compare
Result: dependable followers

*Creates fear that the child won't "measure up"
*Require or push child to "fit the system"
*Students are expected to copmlete assignments
*The "generation gap" is deemed normal and healthy
*Parents/adults applaud kids' activities from a distance
*Promotes comparisions

Leadership Education

Lessons Learned: to create, to value, to impact
Result: responsible leaders

*Creates the assumption that the child will meet & exceed expectations
*Mentors build a system around the child's strengths
*Parents get their assignments from the kids/youth
*Listening & discussing together bridges "the gap"
*Parents/adults get involved in the child's interests (not overboard)
*Teaches the individual student to value - look at things as they really are

This side by side comparison has really helped me to see the differences between the two and to more clearly see which side of the fence I am on.  Before making this list, I thought of Leadership Education in a box (as I see most things) of "to do's" and "not to do's":  Inspire, not require; Time, not Content; Classics, Not Textbooks, etc.  When looking at it that way, Leadership Education seems very limiting, confusing and stressful.  For instance, I worry when I use a textbook or give them an assignment or require something (other than housework) and think I must be failing my children by not "doing it right."  Maybe many of us struggle with this concept because of how education has become in our country.  We rate children on their test scores rather than their character.  We worry more about them "falling behind" than helping others who are behind.  We measure our worth and the worth of our children by what they do, rather than who they are. 

With this new perspective, I have realized that this philosophy really much more than the boxed "to do" lists.  Leadership Education is primarily about the relationship.  Leadership Education is about the heart of the matter, not the external output.  Leadership Education is a very positive philosophy.  I have recognized my lack of enthusiasm with the kids lately (that could be because I have a two year old!!) because I am more concerned about "am I doing it right?" rather than just doing it!! 

So, what am I doing now to be sure I am moving forward?  I am building my math library - - fun math books, games, biographies, etc.  I am thinking outside the box for more projects that I can do with the kids. For instance, last week I took the kids to a friend's hobby farm where she has a lot of rabbits for my rabbit-loving daughter to see and learn more.  Today we built a mini-greenhouse because we're working on a wheelbarrel garden.  I am trying to pay more attention to the tone and relationships within the walls of our home.  I am reading books that I've never even thought of before and completely fascinated by them.  I'm having FEC with my husband (yay!). 

And I'm really learning more about myself!  I'm learning that I can do these things with the kids (again, having a baby/2-year-old has kept me a little closer to home, too much activity leads to too much stress).  I am learning, too, that everything does NOT need to be planned out before we can follow through and that it is worth the effort to JUST DO IT!

Yes, I still do worry that they will "fall behind" and comparing myself with others, but each week I make just one slight change.  Baby steps . . . another thing I've learned about myself.  It's usually "all or nothing for me", and now I'm learning the art of taking those small and simple steps, one at a time.