Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togedow today

My marriage has never been better!  Maybe it's after having lived together for almost 12 years.  Maybe it's because I haven't been pregnant for longer than ever before in our marriage.  Maybe it's because he has finally learned how to deal with me.  Maybe it's all of the above!  But I do know one thing.  It's because I changed.  I, not he, changed. 

Life has been very good to us.  Our marriage has been normal, I would say.  Happy.  Good.  Nobody even close to threatening to leave.  But I just discovered that it can be better.  It can really be the best!  I've hesitated for a long time even writing a post about this because #1) marriage is a personal thing #2) I know we've all got our ups and our downs when it comes to this most important relationship.  So, this isn't so much about marriage as it is how I have changed, thus enhancing our marriage.

I read Dr. Laura's book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands several years ago, when it first came out.  Love it!  Love it!  And highly reccommend it!  For a couple of weeks after reading it, I was completely head over heels in love with my husband.  It was fabulous.  But, as we know, "Old habits die hard."  It's so easy to sink into those behaviors that soon became habits.  It's so easy to follow the traditions or patterns that were set forth by others in our lives. 

Recently, several things happened that literally changed me.  I felt the change, it was that literal.  Like I said, I've always thought our marriage was good and I've been very good at preaching how to have a great marriage.  As Elder Bednar says, however, "What we know is not always reflected in what we do."   I can now say I do more of what I say I know.

The first thing that happened was a visit with a couple I know and love.  They, too, have had what you would call a successful marriage.  They're still together!  However, while we visited I saw some definite patterns that have trickled into my own marriage.  Communication was often lacking and feelings of frustration and bitterness were evident.  I looked at them and saw myself.  The rose-colored glasses had been removed and I was terrified.  I wanted to change.

Within a month or two of arriving home, I happened to be listening to a couple of Dr. Laura calls that were touching exactly on what I'd observed.  She talked about letting go of pleasing those in your past when your husband should be the one you're now trying to please.  I realized that was exactly what I was doing.  I was trying to please those I love by acting the way they acted, doing the things they did, not thinking of how it was hurting my husband (though he's way too nice to say it in those words!).  I continued to pray to know how I could change our marriage. 

And then it happened.  While reading Dr. Leo Sax's book, Girls on the Edge,  I was given beautiful (and painful) insight about myself.  Not to go into too much detail, I will just say that I had some personal obsessions that were affecting how I treated those around me, particularly my husband and children.  I realized why I wasn't completely happy.  I mean, I was happy on the outside and have been living a good life, but the internal worries were lifted.  It was then that I realized I am living my fairytale dream.  From the time I was ten years old, all I've wanted was a husband and some children! 

Sometimes we tend to mock the newlyweds with their idealistic viewpoints on life.  Well, I say, why not!?!  I can imagine in my head every day the marriage I dreamed of "back then" and make it happen today.  There will still be road bumps.  The realities of life still sometimes encroach upon this fairytale life I long to live.  But if we are meant to have celestial marriages, why not start now?  For us, my change of perspective has made all the difference. It's turned the mountains into molehills because we know we're climbing it together, in love.  It's no longer one dragging the other up the hill!  Some day we'll be riding off into the sunset and I hope to look back and be able to say, "I lived my life by living my dreams!"

Mentoring Mothers Meeting: Relationships

It's that time again!  Time to report on our Mentoring Mothers Meeting for the year.  It was fabulous!
Today we were still focussing on the Core Phase.  This is the phase where we want to strengthen relationships, establish natural schedules, train our children in principles of right and wrong, use work and play as the tools of learning.  This morning we specifically discussed our relationships.  And if you listened to General Conference, I'm sure you heard President Uchtdorf's talk on simplicity wherein he mentioned the four crucial relationships: family, God, yourself, and your fellowmen.  We did not focus on those same relationships today, but that talk is still worth reading again.  :-)  And remember, we're going through our own personal journey through the phases, not just what we expect our children to do during each phase. :-)

YOUR PARENTS

We opened up first by talking about what we gained (strengths and weaknesses) from our own parents. Leo Buscaglia, author of Living, Loving and Learning (see previous post) was the King of Quotes today! :-) I love that man. Anyway, he said, "You can't keep blaming your parents unless you're still a child."

We can change the negative patterns and continue the positive patterns set by our parents . . . in a healthy manner. I, for one, had to make an almost literal "cut of the apron strings" only recently and it was hard!  For me it has been hard to make that conscious change of pleasing my husband rather than pleasing my parents (even if I was doing so subconsiously).  Others in the group, however, were able to recognize along the way that there were some things they wanted to change when they created their own families.  Dr. Laura has said, "You have two chances at parenthood:  the first one, you don't choose;  the second one, you do."  Take some time to think about the many wonderful things your parents have done for you in your life.  How have them helped to get you to where you are, to who you are?  Then, take a briefer moment to find a thing or two that your have gained that is not in accordance with who you now want to become and learn from that. 
M. Catherine Thomas has said, "You were placed in your family, with their strengths and their weaknesses, so you can become who God needs you to be." 

PARENTING
We then shifted to our own parenting. Oh, boy! I can't even remember all we talked about because it was so great, and there was so much, and it went so fast!! The main thing we discussed really were EXPECTATIONS. Again from my friend, Leo:

"We also try to create models of perfection. We spend our lives trying to make the outside world fit our notion of what is perfect. We relaly do! And, what is, for example, the idea of a perfect day for us? A day that meets all of our needs, that goes just as we want it. And what is a bummer day? A bummer day is one that doesn't quite come out the way we wanted it. Well, tough for us! That's too bad if the day doesn't turn out the way we want it. The day was perfect - - it's we who were tampering with perfection. These expectations reinforce themselves. They shut out all possibilities of anything new coming at us which doesn't meet our addictions."

An interesting word there at the end, "addictions."  That's exactly what our unrealistic expectations can become. 

The question was raised, "We talk about not having them meet our expectations, but we need them to still do stuff. How do we balance that?" We basically came to terms that we do need to make sure our expectations are not too high for them to reach. We need to be clear that our expectations are not simply our addictions or views of perfections, but reachable and attainable expectations. In this we talked about, then, setting boundaries and having natural & logical consequences for our children. We still need to have those limits set, but not only based on our idealistic expectations.


A couple of other Leo quotes.
"90% of what adults say to children is talking at them, not with them."

"Perhaps [the definition of] love is leading you gently back to yourself."
This of this with parenting our own chidren. We are leading them to themselves. That is love.

MARRIAGE
Last, but not least by any means, we discussed the marriage relationship.
We talked about how you can't go 50/50, you need to go all the way. Because if you only go halfway and sit there expecting him to come the other half, you're both going to be disappointed. My husband recently reminded me of this. I was telling him that we needed to be sure we hugged every time he came home from work, you know, had some physical contact. He said, "That's true. I will work on it. But you can't be sitting in some other room waiting and expecting me to come and find you." I had to agree. How many times had I thought, "He knows we were going to work on this, why doesn't he do it" instead of me being the one to go to him. It's got to be 100% both ways. :-)

"If you love someone, your goal is to want them to be all that they are and you will encourage them every step of the way." - - Leo Buscaglia

In this discussion I really wanted to go a step further than what we've already known and been taught from church leaders, talks, books, etc.  I wanted to talk about having real intimacy with our husbands. No, I do not mean sexual intimacy alone (although, that is important, too), but having those moments where you really look at each other. Where you are truly seeing one another.We get so caught up in being parents together. In running a household together. In our different & defined roles and responsibilities.  And though it may be working fine and you're mostly happy, without that intimacy between one another, then you're really just going through the motions of having a good marriage instead of making it the BEST marriage.   We can talk about going on dates together, but even those dates can become a "check off list" item or a time for the wife's "deep discussion agenda" to come out on the table!  STOP deep discussing and just BE together.  ENJOY one another.  LIVE LIFE TOGETHER!  Allow and encourage your spouse to be who he/she truly is meant to be! 

CONCLUSION
 In my opinion, this topic is the MOST important part of the CORE phase. MOST Important! And our relationships with one another cannot be neglected.  One of the most neglected relationship is the one you have with yourself.  Are you the best example of who you want the world to be?  Or your home?  Here's Leo's last thought on that:
"A wonderful realization will be the day you realize you are unique in all the world. There is nothing that is an accident. You are a special combination for a purpose - - and don't let them tell you otherwise . . . You are that combination so that you can do what it is essential fo ryou to do. Don't ever believe tha tyou have nothing to contribute. The world is an incredible unfufilled tapestry, and only you can fulfill that tiny space that is yours. 'Oh, God, to have reached the point of death,' says Thoreau, 'only to find that you never lived.'"


Books to read:
Love & Logic series
Magic for Early Childhood (I think this is part of the Love & Logic stuff??)
Living, Loving and Learning - Leo Buscaglia
Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands - Dr. Laura
In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms - Dr. Laura
Boundaries