Just a Quote

"Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey and share our love with friends and family.  One day, each of us will run out of tomorrows.  Let us not put off what is most important."  

 - - President Thomas S. Monson - -

This quote was perfect for my mood and thoughts today. 
This week I will be thinking of my family . . . both near and far. 
Missing those I'm not with and loving those around me.

Conference Notes: Part 1: Relationships

What a weekend!  I'm still feeling the effects of going to bed at midnight and waking up at 6am (I haven't woken up that early for the past six months!), but it was good to get away.  Funny story.  Before I left, my oldest said, "Mom, don't get mad at this, but it's kind of fun when you leave."  I laughed and said, "Guess what?  It's kind of fun to leave you, too!"  :-)  It was cute.  We all had a great weekend. 

The conference was great.  I'm glad I went, I took home a few gems, and it was great to meet a few people and see some amazing youth (giving me hope that I'm doing the right thing for my family).  I enjoyed wonderful time and conversations with my parents and my sister, saw Jimmer the horse, and laughed a lot!  I just wish my pregnancy state hadn't made me so tired and that my mom's wonderful & delicious baking didn't give me so much heartburn (due to pregnancy) the whole weekend.  :-) 

So, what did I learn?

Today I will just share some things I learned from James Ferrell, President of the Arbinger Institute. 

First, I learned about asking the right questions.  Instead of asking "What are we going to do about...."  we need to ask ourselves "HOW are we with . . . "  It seems like a simple semantics issue, but think about it.  HOW? is a very powerful question.  How am I going to solve this problem rather than what is the problem?  How is my relationship with my spouse rather than what am I going to do about his socks on the floor every day?  :-)  How am I going to get my daughter excited about math instead of what do I need to teach her?  Ferrell says knowing the HOW is just as important as knowing the WHAT.  HOW is the foundation of our relationships, our time, and our lives. 

The other gem I took home from Ferrell was this question:  "Are we spending most of our time each day dealing with things that are going wrong OR helping things to go right?"  As mothers, are we putting out more fires than we are starting (by way of inspiring and leading our children)?  Making a checklist of where we are truly spending our time will help us to see if we are reacting to our daily lives OR living our daily lives.  Love that!

The final thing I learned was that I need to watch how I view my children.  What parent doesn't, at one point and time, look at their children as objects rather than people?  Children (and others) are often viewed as something to teach, something to train, a product of ourselves, or even something "in the way."  We need to view all people as just that . . . PEOPLE.  When we are looking at ourselves as either ABOVE or BENEATH others, we are building on the wrong foundation (this made me think of President Benson's talk on pride).

Bottom Line: 
EVERYTHING IMPORTANT IN LIFE ALWAYS HAPPENS IN RELATIONSHIPS.
How are we doing with the relationships in our lives?

The next day, I had the priviledge of hearing a blind man speak at church where he touched on this same principle, but in a more spiritual sense.  He said, "I may not have physical eyes, but we all have spiritual eyes.. . . Because I can't see your physical person, I get to see each of you through spiritual eyes and I feel your spirit." 

Imagine if we could all have that same perspective in recognizing one another as spiritual beings.  Wow!  How would we act differently?  How would we treat one another?  How would we think of ourselves?  As I'm always saying, "It's all about relationships."  Let's make them great!

Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togedow today

My marriage has never been better!  Maybe it's after having lived together for almost 12 years.  Maybe it's because I haven't been pregnant for longer than ever before in our marriage.  Maybe it's because he has finally learned how to deal with me.  Maybe it's all of the above!  But I do know one thing.  It's because I changed.  I, not he, changed. 

Life has been very good to us.  Our marriage has been normal, I would say.  Happy.  Good.  Nobody even close to threatening to leave.  But I just discovered that it can be better.  It can really be the best!  I've hesitated for a long time even writing a post about this because #1) marriage is a personal thing #2) I know we've all got our ups and our downs when it comes to this most important relationship.  So, this isn't so much about marriage as it is how I have changed, thus enhancing our marriage.

I read Dr. Laura's book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands several years ago, when it first came out.  Love it!  Love it!  And highly reccommend it!  For a couple of weeks after reading it, I was completely head over heels in love with my husband.  It was fabulous.  But, as we know, "Old habits die hard."  It's so easy to sink into those behaviors that soon became habits.  It's so easy to follow the traditions or patterns that were set forth by others in our lives. 

Recently, several things happened that literally changed me.  I felt the change, it was that literal.  Like I said, I've always thought our marriage was good and I've been very good at preaching how to have a great marriage.  As Elder Bednar says, however, "What we know is not always reflected in what we do."   I can now say I do more of what I say I know.

The first thing that happened was a visit with a couple I know and love.  They, too, have had what you would call a successful marriage.  They're still together!  However, while we visited I saw some definite patterns that have trickled into my own marriage.  Communication was often lacking and feelings of frustration and bitterness were evident.  I looked at them and saw myself.  The rose-colored glasses had been removed and I was terrified.  I wanted to change.

Within a month or two of arriving home, I happened to be listening to a couple of Dr. Laura calls that were touching exactly on what I'd observed.  She talked about letting go of pleasing those in your past when your husband should be the one you're now trying to please.  I realized that was exactly what I was doing.  I was trying to please those I love by acting the way they acted, doing the things they did, not thinking of how it was hurting my husband (though he's way too nice to say it in those words!).  I continued to pray to know how I could change our marriage. 

And then it happened.  While reading Dr. Leo Sax's book, Girls on the Edge,  I was given beautiful (and painful) insight about myself.  Not to go into too much detail, I will just say that I had some personal obsessions that were affecting how I treated those around me, particularly my husband and children.  I realized why I wasn't completely happy.  I mean, I was happy on the outside and have been living a good life, but the internal worries were lifted.  It was then that I realized I am living my fairytale dream.  From the time I was ten years old, all I've wanted was a husband and some children! 

Sometimes we tend to mock the newlyweds with their idealistic viewpoints on life.  Well, I say, why not!?!  I can imagine in my head every day the marriage I dreamed of "back then" and make it happen today.  There will still be road bumps.  The realities of life still sometimes encroach upon this fairytale life I long to live.  But if we are meant to have celestial marriages, why not start now?  For us, my change of perspective has made all the difference. It's turned the mountains into molehills because we know we're climbing it together, in love.  It's no longer one dragging the other up the hill!  Some day we'll be riding off into the sunset and I hope to look back and be able to say, "I lived my life by living my dreams!"

Mentoring Mothers Meeting: Relationships

It's that time again!  Time to report on our Mentoring Mothers Meeting for the year.  It was fabulous!
Today we were still focussing on the Core Phase.  This is the phase where we want to strengthen relationships, establish natural schedules, train our children in principles of right and wrong, use work and play as the tools of learning.  This morning we specifically discussed our relationships.  And if you listened to General Conference, I'm sure you heard President Uchtdorf's talk on simplicity wherein he mentioned the four crucial relationships: family, God, yourself, and your fellowmen.  We did not focus on those same relationships today, but that talk is still worth reading again.  :-)  And remember, we're going through our own personal journey through the phases, not just what we expect our children to do during each phase. :-)

YOUR PARENTS

We opened up first by talking about what we gained (strengths and weaknesses) from our own parents. Leo Buscaglia, author of Living, Loving and Learning (see previous post) was the King of Quotes today! :-) I love that man. Anyway, he said, "You can't keep blaming your parents unless you're still a child."

We can change the negative patterns and continue the positive patterns set by our parents . . . in a healthy manner. I, for one, had to make an almost literal "cut of the apron strings" only recently and it was hard!  For me it has been hard to make that conscious change of pleasing my husband rather than pleasing my parents (even if I was doing so subconsiously).  Others in the group, however, were able to recognize along the way that there were some things they wanted to change when they created their own families.  Dr. Laura has said, "You have two chances at parenthood:  the first one, you don't choose;  the second one, you do."  Take some time to think about the many wonderful things your parents have done for you in your life.  How have them helped to get you to where you are, to who you are?  Then, take a briefer moment to find a thing or two that your have gained that is not in accordance with who you now want to become and learn from that. 
M. Catherine Thomas has said, "You were placed in your family, with their strengths and their weaknesses, so you can become who God needs you to be." 

PARENTING
We then shifted to our own parenting. Oh, boy! I can't even remember all we talked about because it was so great, and there was so much, and it went so fast!! The main thing we discussed really were EXPECTATIONS. Again from my friend, Leo:

"We also try to create models of perfection. We spend our lives trying to make the outside world fit our notion of what is perfect. We relaly do! And, what is, for example, the idea of a perfect day for us? A day that meets all of our needs, that goes just as we want it. And what is a bummer day? A bummer day is one that doesn't quite come out the way we wanted it. Well, tough for us! That's too bad if the day doesn't turn out the way we want it. The day was perfect - - it's we who were tampering with perfection. These expectations reinforce themselves. They shut out all possibilities of anything new coming at us which doesn't meet our addictions."

An interesting word there at the end, "addictions."  That's exactly what our unrealistic expectations can become. 

The question was raised, "We talk about not having them meet our expectations, but we need them to still do stuff. How do we balance that?" We basically came to terms that we do need to make sure our expectations are not too high for them to reach. We need to be clear that our expectations are not simply our addictions or views of perfections, but reachable and attainable expectations. In this we talked about, then, setting boundaries and having natural & logical consequences for our children. We still need to have those limits set, but not only based on our idealistic expectations.


A couple of other Leo quotes.
"90% of what adults say to children is talking at them, not with them."

"Perhaps [the definition of] love is leading you gently back to yourself."
This of this with parenting our own chidren. We are leading them to themselves. That is love.

MARRIAGE
Last, but not least by any means, we discussed the marriage relationship.
We talked about how you can't go 50/50, you need to go all the way. Because if you only go halfway and sit there expecting him to come the other half, you're both going to be disappointed. My husband recently reminded me of this. I was telling him that we needed to be sure we hugged every time he came home from work, you know, had some physical contact. He said, "That's true. I will work on it. But you can't be sitting in some other room waiting and expecting me to come and find you." I had to agree. How many times had I thought, "He knows we were going to work on this, why doesn't he do it" instead of me being the one to go to him. It's got to be 100% both ways. :-)

"If you love someone, your goal is to want them to be all that they are and you will encourage them every step of the way." - - Leo Buscaglia

In this discussion I really wanted to go a step further than what we've already known and been taught from church leaders, talks, books, etc.  I wanted to talk about having real intimacy with our husbands. No, I do not mean sexual intimacy alone (although, that is important, too), but having those moments where you really look at each other. Where you are truly seeing one another.We get so caught up in being parents together. In running a household together. In our different & defined roles and responsibilities.  And though it may be working fine and you're mostly happy, without that intimacy between one another, then you're really just going through the motions of having a good marriage instead of making it the BEST marriage.   We can talk about going on dates together, but even those dates can become a "check off list" item or a time for the wife's "deep discussion agenda" to come out on the table!  STOP deep discussing and just BE together.  ENJOY one another.  LIVE LIFE TOGETHER!  Allow and encourage your spouse to be who he/she truly is meant to be! 

CONCLUSION
 In my opinion, this topic is the MOST important part of the CORE phase. MOST Important! And our relationships with one another cannot be neglected.  One of the most neglected relationship is the one you have with yourself.  Are you the best example of who you want the world to be?  Or your home?  Here's Leo's last thought on that:
"A wonderful realization will be the day you realize you are unique in all the world. There is nothing that is an accident. You are a special combination for a purpose - - and don't let them tell you otherwise . . . You are that combination so that you can do what it is essential fo ryou to do. Don't ever believe tha tyou have nothing to contribute. The world is an incredible unfufilled tapestry, and only you can fulfill that tiny space that is yours. 'Oh, God, to have reached the point of death,' says Thoreau, 'only to find that you never lived.'"


Books to read:
Love & Logic series
Magic for Early Childhood (I think this is part of the Love & Logic stuff??)
Living, Loving and Learning - Leo Buscaglia
Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands - Dr. Laura
In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms - Dr. Laura
Boundaries

Finally Really Jumping Off

photo courtesy of http://photos.igougo.com/images/p65119-Acapulco-Cliff_Diver.jpg

Today I made a decision (after pouring out all my sorrows at midnight last night to a friend).  Today I decided that I'm no longer going to follow math textbooks.  There has been a battle going on inside of me (and partially with my dear spouse) on the principles of "Inspire, not Require."  As much as I full-heartedly believe in inspiring our children to learn, as much as I have been telling other people to just "let their kids be kids," and as much as I've wanted to practice what I preached, I have been a slave to one subject:  MATH.  It's the one subject I thought I was willing to deal with the tears over and require my children to do, only to see this mentality backfire. 

My focus this year, especialliy with JW in school, has been to strengthen the relationship between my daughters, as well as my own relationship with them.  As pressures of life all seemed to hit at once during their "more formative years,"  I think I have been pressuring my girls faster than their little minds could take in.  Stronger than ever, I'm beginning to believe Raymond Moore's motto that "Better Late than Early" is spot on!  So, after the first week of adrenalin and happiness (everyone is excited the first week!) I found myself fighting the whines and moans and complaints of "I don't want to!" or "I don't understand any of this!"  That's when it hit me that, the kids were right!  They hadn't fully grapsed the concepts from before so WHY was I pushing them to move forward so quickly?  Well, I can say that now I'm taking the final step and hoping it will be more fruitful!

So far, the first day has been spectacular.  We did our chores.  We read aloud (finishing Summer of the Monkeys through tears and choked voices).  I had some "get stuff done" time while the kids played who knows what.  We played a game (matching is a math concept, right?).  We read some more.  Then we did an afternoon project making swords and magic wands out of dowels, ribbons and string.  Now my girls are excitedly putting together a spell book for more imaginative play!  This may not sound too productive or successful to some.  My girls are 8 & 9 . . . they should be reading and doing their math homework.  But listen, amidst all that playing one daughter spent time writing thank you notes to friends while the other worked on cursive . . . without any "hint" from me.  My boys contentedly made shapes on the geoboards.  I got plenty done and still have an hour of time to fill as I please  (something that I'd been missing though it's been "scheduled" in).  And now they are reading their spell book!!

Where does math fit in here?  Don't worry.  My hubby wiill be sure to keep me accountable for that.  He has a "math every day" policy . . . and I agree.  So, what am I working on?  This week we're just going to kind of take a break while I plan my mathtime fun!  What I did is go through the Core Knowledge series by E.D. Hirsch.  I made columns: 1st, 2nd, 4th.  Then I made rows listing all of the mathematical topics that should be covered in a year. In each box, I then wrote down the more specific goals for each age/grade.  We are now going to study math in TOPICS rather than textbooks.  I'm not sure exactly how I will structure it, but I do know there will be lots more books, games and fun involved.  

I feel free.  :-)

TIME: Part III

Time For Relationships

I am big into relationships.  I once read the term "Save the relationship" from a lady who I highly revere. And then reading early on in my motherhood I read several books by Linda Eyre and Leo Buscaglia.  I instantly was drawn to the prinicple that we need to put relationships first in our lives.  When first deciding whether to homeschool or not, the idea hit me that by doing so our family would draw closer together.  Of course, homeschooling is not the answer for all families.  In fact for some, homeschooling may have the opposite affect!  No matter our situations, it is important that we prioritize our time so that relationships can be top on the list.

Value our Time
Charles Darwin has been known to say, "A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life."   I'm still stuck on the idea that time is the one commodity in life we can't "earn back."  This doesn't mean we run frantically from moment to moment trying to fill every second with hurried purpose.  Busyness does not mean successful.  It is amazing to me how Jesus fulfilled the greater part of his mission in a few short years, and yet he was not in a frenzy.  It's just the opposite for Him in fact.  When I read the passages of His life I see each moment about the relationship between Him and those he served.  What better example can we follow?

About a year or so ago I  read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch.  In brief, he was a college professor who received news that he only had something like six months to live.  And so he used that time to write his "last lecture."   His words taught me a lot about time.    Pausch said this, "Time is all you have. And you may find one day that you have less than you think."   What would you do with only six months left to live?  I, for one, would want to strengthen my relationships. Why not do so now?

It's Your Choice
Another woman I've chosen to learn from is Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  She taught me this, "We have two opportunities for a quality parent-child relationship, the first one we were born into, the second one we chose!"  Oftentimes we say or hear how frustrated we are with one particular chlid (or multiple all at once).  I remember years ago having a party at my house.  I had two or three very small children at the time.  It must have been the first day of Spring break for the schools or something because one mom walked in and said, "Oh! It's only the first day and they're already driving me crazy!"  I was sad at that thought.  Believe me, I've had days when I've wanted more than a couple of hours of peace, but we must remember that we CHOSE this relationship.  If we chose to have the relationships (whether it be with husbands, children, etc.) then we still have the choice to make that relationship all we need or want it to be.  Some relationships are more of a struggle than others, true, but all relationships are important. 

Say NO to Overscheduling
I have five children.  With each child in only one activity at a time that is still 5-10 activities outside of the home that we need to drive to, wait for and participate in.  Add church activities on top of that and we now have 5 more activities to attend each week.  Add school functions, social gatherings, lessons, work parties, etc...etc...  and we suddenly find ourselves saying, "Where has all the time gone?"  It's so easy to say, "Oh, it's just once a month."  Those 'once a months' suddenly add up!

In Einstein Didn't Use Flashcards, Pasek & Golinkoff stated, that "children are just passing through our lives.  They come into this world as unique persons who require from us both nuturing and enjoyment.  Parents are not omnipotent.  At best, they are wise partners accompanying their children through the labrynth of development. "  How do we nurture our children if we're constantly rushing them from one activity to another?  There are those precious 10 minutes here and there in the car, but we need to be sure this is not the only time we're giving them our undivided attention.  We need to especially watchful as our older kids get naturally get involved in more things.  It's then the younger siblings we need to protect making sure they are getting the same time at home as our older children did. 

Time for the Greatest Commandment
Above all, to help our earthly relationships more enriching, we must make time for strengthening our relationship with the Lord.  "Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart, and with all they soul, and wil all they  mind (Matt. 22:37)."  Set aside ample time daily to strengthen this single most important relationship.

Relationships are tricky!  Some more than others.  I'm finding that when I finally have a solid relationship with one child, another relationship starts to struggle.  I'm personally trying to make a conscious effort to leave more time for building those strong relationships (especially with my girls right now).  From now on I'm going to add relationships to my schedule, time with each child.  It may not be like "1:00 play legos with Joel."  It will be more open so that I can see and feel what each child may need.  If I'm rushing, I'm not being attentive to their needs . . . or my own. We all need to take time for our relationships.

Joyful Living

"Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." 

 - - Gordon B. Hinckley - -

I remember having a conversation with a friend several years ago wherein she said that life is all about the have to's and "there's no joy in life anymore."  At the time I remember thinking how sad that was.  Shortly after I realized that others were having those same emotions.  Then baby number five came along and it happened to me!  Life had become, for a short time, a routine, a duty, a responsibility.  There were days I was just "going through the motions."  Then, several things happened, each shedding light back into my life a little at a time.  The final burst of light involved the study of agency.  I realized that we have the power to choose.  Some of you are saying, "Duh!" right now.  But for me focussing on the word power in that statement, gave me the fire that I needed.  Growing up I remember a hanging on my grandma's wall that said, "Choose Your Love and Love Your Choice."  We can choose to be happy, to live joyfully and to stop simply "going through the motions" of life. 

Passion  & Purpose
What gets you going in the morning?  What is it that gets your excitement juices pumping.  Is it waking up early to exercise or have some quiet before the rest of the world awakes?  Is it reading a really great book or learning something new and fabulous?  Is it music?  Is it your children and your time with them?  Or your husband?  Oftentimes when I ask other mothers what they're interests are they'll mumble "I don't know" or answer with the classic, "I don't have time for interests."  We need to make time for our passions and live each day with some kind of purpose.  Marjorie Pay Hinckley gave a granddaughter advice on what classes to take in college.  She said, "Study something . . . so you have interesting things to think about while you do your ironing."

I remember an article by Rachel DeMille on finding your "Key Action,"  what is the one thing that keeps you doing more than muddle through life.  She said this:  "The Key Action, whatever it may be, tends to put everything into balance, or create a positive momentum, or bring peace and a sense of well-being. It's not, strictly speaking, the thing we value highest or most deeply but it is the key to our serenity, productivity and clarity."

Relationships
I can't say enough about relationships, so I'll try my best to make it brief!  Several years ago in college, I was given an assignment to answer the follwoing questions:  What is a home?  Why do we have families?  What I've come to learn through the years of now having my own home and family is that the ultimate purpose for both home and family lies in relationships!  Sometimes, this is the hardest goal to accomplish! 

We all know the two greatest commandments. "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind . . .  And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself" (Matt. 22:37, 39).  We are to first strengthen our relationship with God.  This is the one and only way to find perfect joy.  One author wrote, "The more I learned about [Christ], the less I wanted to leave Him"  (Life of Pi, Martel) Do you feel the same?

The second great commandment then tells us to love our neighbors.  In order to do this, we must also love ourselves.  Taking time to be alone with yourself is vital to strengthening relationships around you.  We all know you can't fill others with an empty bucket. 

Who then are our neighbors?  Mitch Albom once wrote, "Strangers are just family you have yet to come to know."  When working on our family relationships we need to ask ourselves what matters most: being on time or speaking kindly to our children?  Getting something done or helping a child learn a new skill?  From the words of Mother Theresa we learn, "It doesn't matter what you do - - it's how much you love those you do for." 

Traditions
I have to confess.  My favorite holiday is not Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas.  And though I do love Easter, I love the purpose, but not necessarily the hoopla that goes along with it!  No, I would much rather celebrate the small and simply holidays throughout the year.  Have you heard of National Park Week or No Socks Day?  What about National Jelly Bean Day or Eliza Doolittle Day?  These are the days that bring sparks of joy into our home.  A couple of years we've had a Pig 'n' Pancake party to celebrate Pancake Week and Pig Day together.  We invite tons of friends over with the assignment of bringing a pancake topping.  Then, while we're getting some pancakes started, I read a book about Pigs and Pancakes (there are so many of them out there!!).  It's a lot of fun and we look forward to it. 

Another of our favorites is National Park Week.  We don't celebrate National Parks because they are not in our area, so we made up our own way of celebrating.  Each child gets to choose a park in our city and for one week we hit a park a day. 

Create your own holidays to celebrate!  Ever year on June 1st, we go out to breakfast at Denny's.  This is the day we got the keys to our very first home, so we call it our home's birthday! Then, we go home and my husband says a prayer that another year in the home will be blessed.  It's simple, but it's something the kids won't let us forget. 

It's through small and simple things that love and faith grow within a family.  I believe that.  There is a purpose for larger expenditures and expeditions, but usually the kids will grow up remembering the small things they did in the family.  My family sang together.  I will forever have fond memories of Mom at the guitar with the five of us kids close by and Dad behind the video camera.  :-)  I am always telling my own children about the late Christmas Eve nights when we'd all cram into one bedroom and sing "99 Bottles of Milk on the Wall."  4 girls and 1 boy!  Poor Richard!  :-)  What will your children remember? 

In "Mitten Strings for God" the author writes, "Mealtime offers us an opportunity to celebrate being a family every day."  Those seemingly insignificant daily occurances are those traditions your children will seek to carry on in their own families.  Daily scripture study, daily prayer, daily meals, daily conversations.  You daily attitude as you carry on with the daily tasks also carries over.

Planning and Priorities
For any of the above principles to take effect, we need to take the time to plan and prioritize.  Management expert, Lestev R. Bittell has said, "Good plans shape good decisions.  That's why good planning helps to make elusive dreams come true."  If you want strong relationships with your children, you need to plan time for it.  If you want to have more fun moments in your home, you need to plan for it.  If you want time to devote to your own passions, you need to plan for it.  On the days when I don't have a plan, I tend to wander aimlessly . . . an hour here, a few minutes there. 

Several years ago, and I know this is nothing new now, I realized I had to prioritize my time into three categories:  Haves (i.e. laundry, dinner cooking, etc.); Needs (i.e. scripture study and alone time for myself); and Wants (i.e. extra reading time!).  I find when I prioritize this way, I have more time for the wants and the Haves are less tedious and the Needs are more purposeful. 

Katrina Kenison has us pose this question to ourselves, "What do I lose when I try to do too much?"  Planning does not mean making sure every hour is filled up with something busy.  Other authors have counseled, "The concept of downtime seems to be a kind of heresy in the current cult of acheivement"  (Einstein Never Used Flashcards, Hirsch-Pasek & Golinkoff).  In the planning of our joyful lives, we need to make time for downtime.  It's in that downtime that we end up buildling stronger relationships, finding and fulfilling our purpose, and having more joy in our homes. 

Conclusion:  Joy vs. Happiness
Experiencing true inward joy is different than fleeting happiness.  It's like the difference between the happiness you feel when you're just newly married, to the joy you feel after ten years of working and being together.  Both are great, one is more lasting than the other.  Inward joy comes from loving God, your family, and others while living life with purpose and direction.  "This is your expedition . . . Think of the treasure at the end" (The Hobit, Tolkein) . . . and make it happen!

Tribute to a Friend

Recently, a dear Young Women leader and friend of mine will be leaving us soon as she painfully fights cancer. This is a poem I wrote in tribute of her. I wish all the best for her wonderful family!

A Tribute to a Friend

It doesn't seem quite right

Sending notes at the end,

When a whole lifetime of joys

Were filled by a friend.

Giving to sorrow is

Not the best way to go,

So let's celebrate the smiles,

The good things we know.
Your lessons were flower'd

With Spiritual gems.

I loved your stories and paintings

From which all good stems.

Your home was a picture

Of serenity and love;

There I knew were angels

Looking down from above.

Your genuine care for

And concern for the one

Was always apparent

Despite what may come.

And to add a little humor

I must add this . . .

It was fun plotting with you

For my first love's kiss!

But deepest, and truest

Of my feelings for you,

Are those that have strengthened

My testimony, too.

Of a Savior who is loving,

Giving and kind.

A Redeemer who has
All of His Children in mind

When he says, "All Who Labour

Come Unto Me."

I know that you will,

And your loved ones will see.

Becoming Christlike

I had the opportunity to speak in Stake Conference 1 year ago. It was a daunting task, but I learned so much from having the experience. Here is a copy of the talk (as close as I could get it)

Becoming Christlike

Stake Conference April 19, 2009

I would like to begin by telling a story for all the children who are trying so hard to sit reverently AND for the youth and adults who may be getting a little fidgetty themselves! :-)

Years ago when my son was a Sunbeam, he had a primary teacher who had a mission. Her mission was to instill in the children the idea of having Jesus in their hearts. Our son would come home and talk about this, and his 2 year old sister really caught onto this principle. One day they were playing with friends a game where one person sat on one end of the room while the others sat on the opposite side of the room. The person alone would shout out, "Whoever's wearing purple" or "Whoever likes cookies", etc . . . Then, those with that charcteristic would come running to try to be the first to touch the speaker. Well, it came to my 2 year old daughter's turn to be the speaker and with all the energy of her soul she cried, “WHO HAS JESUS IN THEIR HEART?” And all the other kids went running to her. I am forever grateful for that special primary teacher. Likewise, I ask here . . . Who here has Jesus in their heart?

When I think of our Savior, I think of His unending compassion, His indefatiguable service (having 1 demand placed upon Him after another), His devotion to His Father and His disciples, and His lack of unrighteous judgement. In studying these past few weeks about Becoming Christlike, I’ve learned it’s really all about the heart!

One of the first things Christ taught in his earthly ministry as well as to the Nephites in the Americas was, "Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God!" (Matt. 5:8)

Joseph Smith: “We ought to have the building up of Zion as our greatest object”

One definition of Zion is "the pure in heart" and for all of you professional texters out there you know that all capital letters means emphasis! Very few phrases in the scriptures are written in capital letters, but in the Doctrine and Covenants is states that Zion is the PURE IN HEART (D&C 97:21)

Elder Wirthlin “ to be pure in heart [is] an essential virtue of those who would be counted among true followers of Christ.”  So, how do we become Pure in Heart, or in other words, how do we build up Zion - -

We learn how to do this in two simple scriptures: 4 Nephi 1:2-3 " And it came to pass in the thirty and sixth year, the people were all converted unto the Lord, upon all the face of the land, both Nephites and Lamanites, and there were no contentions and disputations among them, and every man did deal justly one with another. And they had all things common among them; therefore there were not rich and poor, bond and free, but they were all made free, and partakers of the heavenly gift. " In this scripture we find three characteristics of the Pure in Heart.

UNITY “All Things Common”
4 Nephi 1:12-13, met together to pray & hear word of the Lord

Elder Christofferson - - Zion is Zion because of the character, attributes, and faithfulness of her citizen.  Remember, “the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them” (Moses 7:18) . . . We will become of one heart and one mind as we individually place the Savior at the center of our lives.

Christ’s Example: Prayer to the Father during his visitation of the Nephites . . . 3 Ne. 19:23 " And now Father, I pray unto thee for them, and also for all those who shall believe on their words, that they may believe in me, that I may be in them as thou, Father, art in me, that we may be one.


UNSELFISHNESS “No Contentions. . . Did Deal Justly

Now, I am selfish with my Oreo cookies! I buy them for myself, my kids don't eat them, my kids know not to even ask for them! That is tangible selfishness , but that’s not the form of selfishness I would like to talk about here, though it's something we all could work on a little bit more. I am talking about the selfishness in which we esteem others, ourselves and God.

First, esteeming ourselves above others. We learn about this in the Parable of the Laborers (Matt. 20) where laborers are called by the master to go work in the vineyard and they will receive a penny at the end of the day. Later on in the day more laborers come seeking work, and the master sends them out to labor, also offering a penny for their work. But what happens at the end of the day? Those who had been there all day start to complain saying, "Hey, we worked harder than them. Why do we get the same pay." The master's response to this question is, "Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny? Take that thine is, and go thy way..." (vv. 13-14)

In the Doctrine and Covenants we learn “let every man esteem his brother as himself” (D&C 38:24 ) “the Church has need of every member” (D&C 84:10 )

The second in selfishness is esteeming others, the world, or ourselves above God

Story of Ezra (Ezra 7-8)

- Ezra was a scribe, taught the law & set up a judgement system

- Had prepared his heart to seek the law of the Lord (7:10)

- Esteemed God above man (8:21-23)

Elder Oakes on Unselfish Service has said, "We do not serve our Savior well if we fear man more than God. . . . The plan of the gospel of Jesus Christ lifts us above our selfish desires and teaches us that this life is all about what we can become."

SACRIFICE “All Converted Unto the Lord”

What is the first step to being truly converted? In scriptures we learn that the Lord requireth the heart of His children (see D&C 64:34), and that we must first come to Him with a borken heart and contrite spirit (3 Nephi 9:20)

Elder Oakes (this Conference) "Our Savior teaches us to follow Him by making the sacrifices necessary to lose ourselves in unselfish service to others.

There is comfort in this statement by Elder Bruce R. McConkie: “We are not always called upon to live the whole law of consecration and give all of our time, talents, and means to the building up of the Lord’s earthly kingdom. . . . But . . . to gain celestial salvation we must be able to live these laws to the full if we are called upon to do so.”
Elder Oakes has said that we are "unique in cooperative efforts" "we are unique in unselfish service" "we are unique in our committment to sacrifice." But we still need to follow the counsel of President Hinckly and "Do a little better."

IV. Christlike Love - “The Love of God did Dwell in their Hearts” (4 Nephi 1:15)

Ultimately each of these characteristics of a Pure Heart (Unity, Unselfishness, and Sacrifice) lead back to one great whole: Christlike Love

Elder Marvin J. Ashton has said, “We come closest to becoming Christlike when we are charitable and understanding of others . . . .We will never approach godliness until we learn to love and [to] lift.”

I testify that the Lord wants us to purify our hearts, so that we can build up Zion here upon the earth.

Elder Christofferson has said that, “We cannot wait until Zion comes for these things to happen—Zion will come only as they happen.”

“Now let us rejoice in the Day of Salvation, no longer as strangers on earth need we roam . . . For Christ and His people will ever be one.” In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
*******

Here's one quote that I wish I had have used in the conclusion of the talk, one of my very favorites from our newly called apostle.

Elder Neil L. Andreson: “I know that I am not what I must become . . . Our knowledge of the divine mission of the Church should . . . take us to our knees, pleading for the Lord’s help that we might be what we should be.” Which is, as the Savior said, “Even as I am.”

Julia Ives Pack

This morning I stumbled across an autobiography of my great, great, grandmother, Julia Ives Pack (I am her namesake). I found it actually several years ago but haven't been able to find it anywhere for a long time. Recently, I've been praying and thinking more about it and then today I found it! I wasn't even looking for it, but just opened a folder about family history and there it was! I swear I'd looked in that folder several times, but it wasn't there before (in my recollection). I am so excited. It's fun, too, because John is taking an autobiography writing class right now. When I showed it to him he's like, "Can I have a copy? I want to read it."

There's a book out called 111 Days to Zion we have been using as our devotionals each morning. It just has two short pages for each day of the trek to SLC starting on April 5th to July 24th. So, each day we read that day's journey. It's gotten the kids really excited about pioneers, and I'm learning new things along the way as well. So, finding our own peice of history was all the more exciting for them.

One funny story is that Julia had a son named Joel (where we got the name for our Joel) who died when he was 10 yrs. old from getting kicked by a horse. Julia's comment about it was, "He was a fine little fellow." Joel wanted me to read that to him over, and over, and over again. :-)

Julia Ives Pack was married to John Pack (and I married a John!) who was a member of the first pioneer group that forged the trail to Salt Lake City with Brigham Young.  They were sealed in the temple by Hyrum Smith.  Julia herself was the 1st counselor to Bathsheba Smith, a Relief Society president in Salt Lake City. She was also friends with Parley P. Pratt and the biography talks of going to him while both families were sick, plus other faith-building stories and words of testimony in the 4-page biography.

There is strength in connecting generations.

2 Great Pleasures

There are two things that I do each month just for me:  Bunco and Mentoring Mothers Meetings. 

Bunco
Once a month I get together with 11 other moms to eat a delicious meal (most of which I don't need to prepare) and play a game called Bunco.  We are now going on our 4th year and lately we don't even play the game, we just sit and visit over delicious food!  Some of us are new moms, some of us have been around for a long time!  Some of us work, but most of us stay home to raise our children.  We are a mixture of different religions, but all centered on Christ. 

Why do I love (and need) Bunco?  I think women in general need two things:  friends and a place of no responsibility.  Bunco serves as both for me.  It took us a good year or two to really become friends, I will admit.  Those first few times being a tad bit awkward and unsure.  But even as I've contemplated leaving the group, I've been drawn back by the fact that I really would not see these women if it weren't for our monthly dinners.  We laugh together (a lot!), mourn together, share with one another the woes and joys of motherhood, eat together, and we are all energized by the end of the evening - - ready to take on yet another day in the home. Oh, and I did forget to mention the pounds of chocolate consumed throughout the night . . . always a must! 

Mentoring Mothers Meetings (MMMs)
I just started this group in January (with some great support and coaxing from a friend of mine). This is a group of mothers who are trying to implement Thomas Jefferson Education in their homes.  We meet once a month to discuss the TJEd principles.  We've organized it so that each month we discuss one or two of the 8 Keys (Classics, not Textbooks; You, not Them; etc.) and have hired a couple of youth to watch the children while we chat. 

Why do I love MMMs?  First of all, it's the friendshipping again, with those who have similar ideals for their families. Secondly, it gives me a boost to keep on going, keep on trying!  Most importantly, through these meetings I have learned that each and every home is different but we will all hopefully reach the same outcome.  That has been a huge awakening for me this past year.  Because we are all from the conveyor belt generation, I think we have tendencies to think if we aren't doing TJEd exactly as described, we are failing and will never raise excellent children! I've been thinking about this with life in general, so many different parenting styles can still get the same results (with slight variations, of course).  :-)

With both of these groups I realize they fulfill one desire in my life:  RELATIONSHIPS!  I need strong relationships with other people and with myself.  These are two ways in which I reach fulfillment in that great yearning I have.  Both groups, likewise, rejuvenate me to then build stronger relationships in my home.  Maybe this is why I'm opposed to Facebook, it doesn't fulfill that longing for deeper relationships.  Twice a month, I get that richness of building long lasting relationships.